Something from the archives...
She scuffed along, pushing the fallen, dry, dead leaves out of their places to make way for her own procession. She looked down at the sidewalk, up into the trees, off into the clouds, anywhere but at the people around her. She didn't much fancy dealing with her fellow humans at the moment. She felt wishful.
In actual fact, she felt a fair bit more than wishful. She positively yearned. The emotion overcame her, pounding through her veins fiercer than acid. Every particle of her soul stretched, reaching for her dream. But it was not to be. Or it seemed that way. You see, what she actually longed for was passion, love, anything with a similar form. Love for a person, love for a subject, love for an idea, just love. She wanted that focused, oriented, purposeful feeling. Surety. Surety and joy. These feelings would surely motivate her, spur her on to accomplish something great, meaningful, lasting, profound, good. Surely. Right?
Unfortunately, her wishing remained her only emotion, dragging rather than driving her. Overriding any possibility for any other emotion to spring up in her at the moment. Ironic, this passion for passion defeated itself, in pushing out any other feeling including the very one she desperately reached for.
And at last another emotion began to flow under this torrent of dreaming: remorse. Remorse that she couldn't muster a nobler feeling, dream instead about serving others, helping them, doing good. She knew that this self-centered melancholy dreaming wasn't right, wasn't good.
And all at once, the mountain of her longing collapsed, the foundation eaten away by the repentant undercurrent. Exposed, a sincere desire to do good remained, a sparkling promise in the fall afternoon sun. And a pure fountain of hope began polishing this new drive.
Nice imagery and evocative wording. It is interesting that there is some physical action right at the beginning, but then the rest of the journey is all emotional and internal. Maybe include some more physical action, to tie the emotional journey to something tangible? Like she is browsing through old pictures, or walking somewhere, and each new thing she physically encounters prompts an idea, thus motivating the emotional journey. Good job!
ReplyDeleteRunning commentary:
ReplyDeletemore fiercely than acid (as opposed to fiercer than acid)
"love for a subject" feels awkward to me, as does "fellow humans," and "similar form"
"Overriding" doesn't have the right connotation to me--it sounds like a computer command. Maybe find a more organic word?
Those are just a few spots, but other than that, I love it! Although, like Abe, I am curious as to what her activity is.
I am so impressed Eva!
ReplyDeleteI'm with Abe--the images that you create at the beginning need to be balanced out with a sense of place and time at the end. Are these the reflections of an afternoon walk? In which case, is she home when she has her epiphany? Give us a continuous sense of time and place, and leave us with an image as evocative as the one you started with.
ReplyDeleteAlso, just out of curiosity, what genre would you consider this writing ot be? Is it intended to explore a feeling? Is it intended to explore some small but significant character development? What causes the change for her? I like your description of passion for passion's sake--and how that ultimately is unfulfilling. But I felt like I didn't understand how the tenacity of that feeling finally gave way. And honestly, I found myself kind of rooting for that feeling, that emotion--I wanted it to blossom into something, rather than collapse into something. Tell me why you decided to undermine the emotion rather than allow it to blossom.
I wrote this last year, around this time, so I don't actually remember my mind set at the time. But I think that the longing for feeling in the beginning was more of a selfish desire, which I should have supported more, which finally gave way to the nobler passion of compassion, which i also should have made more clear. How about adding as the last sentence, "This new compassion." Would that add anything?
ReplyDeleteAs for the physical setting, I think I envisioned it as a walk along the path from LCE to our house, though I don't really like that setting anymore. Would a walk along one of the horse trails be effective, or maybe down by the stream under Berkshire Bridge, to match the water imagery?
Also, would this piece be more effective if it were in the first person?
Passion vs. compassion--I like that, Eva. I think that you could play with those words a bit. Your writing, even your prose writing, is lyrical and poetic, and I'd encourage you to be very selective about every word you use--use each word intentionally, and cut out words that might be redundant or muddying. I like this prose-becoming-poetry style of yours. As for the setting--stream under Berkshire Bridge might be nice, although if the walk from LCE is where the original thoughts took place, be true to that. You'd be surprised what passing cars, See's Candy, and Min's Kitchen can evoke :).
ReplyDelete