Reverently I take the bread,
Soft and sweet,
Chew and swallow this symbol of Christ.
Teeth grind the bread,
Lashes on the back
Foreign sorrows pressed into his soul.
The cool water,
Refreshing,
An emblem of blood given in agony.
Ooh, I really like this one, Eva. I like how you notice the small physical pleasure of the sacrament (maybe enhanced especially on Fast Sunday??). That's something else I notice about your poems, a careful observation of the physical. Sometimes you might try leaving your poems at that, and let the allusions to the large metaphysical truths be a little more removed from the poem. To me that reflects the essence of drawing spiritual lessons from physical realities.
Following up on Rachel's comment - how about if you left off the last line, but added another line or two about the physicality of drinking the water. You had 5 lines on the bread, only 3 on the water. And just 2 if you leave off the last line. Can you explore the imagery of the water a bit more and with the deep originality you show in the lines about the bread?
Ooh, I really like this one, Eva. I like how you notice the small physical pleasure of the sacrament (maybe enhanced especially on Fast Sunday??). That's something else I notice about your poems, a careful observation of the physical. Sometimes you might try leaving your poems at that, and let the allusions to the large metaphysical truths be a little more removed from the poem. To me that reflects the essence of drawing spiritual lessons from physical realities.
ReplyDeleteFollowing up on Rachel's comment - how about if you left off the last line, but added another line or two about the physicality of drinking the water. You had 5 lines on the bread, only 3 on the water. And just 2 if you leave off the last line. Can you explore the imagery of the water a bit more and with the deep originality you show in the lines about the bread?
ReplyDeleteEva, I think you should find a good composer to set this one, and some others as well, to music.
ReplyDelete