God
He wept
Earth
She moaned
Righteousness swept-
Buried--asleep in the ground.
Men, we have walked
All over the earth,
Our time we have mocked
With scorn or with mirth.
No place for God
No room at the inn
For Christ's quiet knock,
Gentle healing from sin.
Jesus, he died.
Our debt, he paid.
Jesus, he loves you-
Let him in! Let him in!
I like the kind of folksy feel to the syntax here. But your tone strays from that folksy, sparse, conversationalism in the middle and starts feeling more formal, more removed. Could you somehow keep the tone intimate throughout?
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